What is beyond the blackness...
void...
the overwhelming concept of fragile mortality...
the theory of nonexistence pushing its way through my bloodstream and laying eggs in my subconscious...
to never again feel the warmth of your being conquering my skin,
not even expired but beyond that...the world going on as if my soul was never present...
What if we are just empty bodies...
soulless...
merely accidents with no purpose,
God can be the maggots cleansing a gorge of rotting flesh...
but all is futile... life is too short... and the theory of God can only ease the muddled infestation of thoughts so much....before i return to the void from which I came.

Im going to get my painting as a tattoo, and i also want to get this tattooed  on my back by my shoulder blade

alis grave nil

it is latin for
"nothing is heavy to those who have wings"

Time goes by so fast, Alura is in 3rd grade, Emmy in Pre-k. Still chasing my dreams of becoming a ft art teacher and home owner. It always seems like when things are so close the closer you move the farther away they really become. There are no positions open in my field, and currently while I have a ft position, I am only leave coverage for the entire year and am getting paid below half what i should be making. Extremely fustrating. I work hard, I deserve more then this...

We were married this summer, wedding was perfect, Key West was beautiful. Besides being fustrated in the job field and being broke, I have to say I am pretty content with the rest of my life. Although I crave understanding. I love each and every one of my friends, dearly, but I really dont feel anyone can relate to my life on more then a mundane level.

I have off today for a Jewish holiday, but I feel so sick, blech.

I dont know its time for something new and exciting....

I love the fall, I love the colors, and its at this time I feel the strongest connection with the Earth Mother,

something is coming...im not sure what.

Things seem like they may be turning around for us...my mother helped me buy a new car (well a new used car) lol after that horrible accident, for those who don't know some jo cut me off on 287 and I had to avoid him, i swerved to avoid him and crashed into the median, Emmy and I are fine, just the car was destroyed...the lumina really saved me, the whole front of the car is pushed in and not a scratch on me and Emmy. So ANYWAY got a new lumina a 99 , last one was a 96 so i upgraded, no cd player...but hey i never used the other one anyway, if i like the car and things work out maybe ill just get an ipod dock installed and get an ipod...you know when i land one of these jobs i have an interview for. So I have two interviews, both are for only 6 month positions but hey who knows what will happen after then. The one I met the supervisor at a job fair and he wanted to call me in if the position ever opened up and it never did, the board never passed it. So I noticed the leave position so I emailed the Super and he wants me to come in for "an informal interview" he said he assumed I would have been working already...thanks buddy.. The other position is a maternity leave position for 6 months also and this will be my second interview to meet with the principal and the art teacher. Both excellent and upper class school districts. Interviews are on Thursday, dont want to jinx myself but light a candle for me! Also Matt just got a new job too as a lab tech, im so proud of him. he doesnt have to do any heavy lifting and its a position where he can move up and better himself. What else is new? We had my grandmothers memorial last Saturday and had a great time with my family. Im thinking of going back on friday to spend some time with my uncle before he leaves for IL again. Things have been extremely stressful these last few months, but it seems like things will finally be coming together!

I can feel the world tightening its grip on my neck, and as i gasp the only air that engulfs my lungs is tainted from this putrid society. It would be so easy to give up...

Sometimes i feel i have conformed so much there is nothing left of me....

I used to be so much stronger...but always discontented...

I used to be angry...but at least I felt something...

Angry means your ready to fight ...

Maybe I have already given up and this shadow that follows me from place to place is just a curse that has been bestowed upon me for forgetting worth and concentrating on survival...

One can not ensure that their will be a tomorrow to make things right...but when your struggling just to keep your head above water its hard to concentrate on anything BUT survival... so as I paddle in the sea of doubt and poverty I can feel the tow pulling me under...Seeing the shore not far off i always think...if i can just get there things will be better...but perhaps the shoreline is an illusion...

one can only paddle for so long...

cold compresses of lavender and german chamomile

Beaches open after trash cleaned up

by Ron Marsico

Monday September 03, 2007, 11:11 AM

Several beaches along the Jersey Shore reopened today after medical waste and other trash washed ashore this weekend, authorities said.

Crews from the Toms River Department of Public Works got to work at about 5 a.m. And now the beaches in top shape, police said.

"Everything is cleaned up," said Toms River Sgt. David McCallum.

Lavalette beaches were also open, said town police dispatcher Chris Auriano. They never closed because of the waste, said the dispatcher.

Other beaches are expected to open by noontime, said Gov. Jon Corzine, speaking at a Labor Day parade in South Plainfield. State inspectors were on the ground this morning.

The source of the waste -- which beachgoers said included syringes, tampon applicators, gauze and other debris -- remained unclear today. There were no reports of injuries. Most of the waste was found on beaches and in the waters off Monmouth and Ocean counties, authorities said. It could take awhile to figure out the source of the waste, said the governor.

"We actually think it is a garbaage spill, as opposed to medical waste," said Corzine. "The first issue is protect the public."

State environmental officials were notified about the problem and were involved in the investigation to determine the source of the waste and who was responsible for it.

- The Associated Press contributed to this report.

I am addicted to poker....bodog.com...i love it!

Dear God,

I noticed you had a deargod.com website and no dearsatan.com website...please take care of that for me. Also I would like u to smite my enemies, and cut me a check for a mil.

Thanks,

Love your divorced wife...

Tara